Laughter is whatyoumacallit.....

I thought that it was about time to let you all know that I did have a few laughs while I was still in the Royal Rehabilitation Centre Sydney as an in-patient! I know that I let it all seem to be so sombre and unhappy, but that is generally how we feel because our lives have been completely disrupted - but, sometimes it is just too funny and we have to laugh!


Annie, one of my long-time and wonderful girlfriends often came to see me and brought her sons along when I was in Coorabel Adult Rehabilitation Service (CARS  or just Coorabel), and this particular afternoon she had been talking quietly to me when we heard something in the hallway. Annie was feeling mortified, when Dan, her 9 year old hopped into my wheel chair and took off! He was a good driver and of course, a wheel chair was something new, cool and fast!! Her oldest son, Mikey, got into the swing of things with Dan and they both zoomed up and down the corridors!!


I remember that was one of the first occasions that I felt like laughing and I did uproariously! Annie was chasing after Dan and trying to quietly chastise him and I just laughed more, it was so funny to watch someone trying to be a grown up and you could see that maybe, she wouldn't have minded having a zoom around herself! The boys are still, thankfully, in my life and they are so welcome because they take you as they find you, and that is very refreshing.


Which brings me back to the time when I was saying that my daughter didn't like people to say to ask me what happened or to say me, "Did you break your arm?" and definitely didn't like me to say "No, I have had a stroke and my arm is partially paralysed", because most people feel embarrassed, and so do my daughter's - why??? They didn't do anything and neither did I, so, everyone has to 'get over it'!!!


My right arm is still a problem, as it used to be the dominant arm, with the dominant fingers, so, the fact that I can't write properly with my left hand either (because until recently, I was sure that my right hand would come back in to use just as long as I did this, that or something else), is irritating and annoying, but I have seen other stroke survivors writing and it is and can be as beautiful as the original writing, you just have to practise, practise and practise again - which I don't have the time or patience to get it right!


I also don't understand why other people feel embarrassed by people with a disability? I didn't before I had the stroke (which now is being called a brain attack, like a heart attack) and I doubly don't understand now! However, I am ashamed of my reaction to people with a disability before, because I really didn't have one, which is worse that being a bigot!!! I didn't have a reaction, because I used to think of the 10% of people in Australia who have some kind of disability, as being 'not there'. Since my stroke or brain attack, I can understand why the disabled people and their carers have become so much more vocal and political as we need to make sure that all people are being heard, especially the disadvantaged, which disabled people are.


There was a fantastic show on television this week called "Scarlet Road: A Sex Worker's Journey, about a woman called Rachel Wotton, who specialises in disabled clients. What a documentary, what a woman! It is fantastic that disabled people needs are being recognised in this and so many other areas. However, these other areas; like lifts and how to go out to certain restaurants and shops, are still being looked at as causing a huge disadvantage to the owners, the managers and people in general because they COST A HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY for the poor restaurants, shops, hotels etc - what about the disabled people!!! At last they are being given a voice and it rings out loudly.


Most days I can confidently walk for miles and not feel too disabled, but sometimes, especially when I am tired, I will find that my right leg drags a little and my limp becomes so much more pronounced. Other times I try to block out the tiredness and say to myself, I am so lucky that I can walk at all!


That is how I truly feel now. I am blessed that I can walk, talk and am not too disabled. I assume that it will get better with time, but you know what the psychologists say, "ass u me"!!!

Buzzzzzzzz

It was the Christmas holidays and I was alone and would be for several days, so, the problem that I had, would have to be solved by me! It was a bad mozzie bite and I know, you say "phtt", that's no problem - well isn't it!!!


I had quite a few bites that season and my body has changed since I had my stroke/brain attack, so, my reaction to various things has changed. I no longer have hay fever, am not prone to the effects of eating to much and don't need Nexium for heartburn, however, I do have a bad reaction to mosquitoes. I don't know why, but there you are!


I left the balcony doors open so that I could enjoy the cool breeze that was blowing that evening and that was asking for trouble, because the mozzies were out in full force. One of the little monsters had bitten me on the inner side of my  middle finger but at the joint of the finger and my palm. It started slowly, but as time wore on my finger got a big blister and more and more swollen and because of the strange position that the bite was in, it was very hard to itch it or scratch it and nothing I could do would help.  My finger was swollen to the extent that I truly thought that it was going to burst!!


I wondered how I could 'pop' the blister because that was the only way that I could imagine that I was going to get on top of this problem. At first, I thought, "I will use a straight pin to pop it", but after a few goes at 'popping' the bite, I became worried in case I swallowed the pin, so, that was no good. Then I thought about a safety pin and I trawled though the house looking for the very thing, but when I got the pin, I couldn't open it because you need one good hand to open the pin (which is very small) I had, but then you have to hold that pin in your hand to prick the blister and I didn't have that!


I sat and thought some more, and then I realised that the pin was too small and a bigger pin, like a baby's nappy pin would work and I had one of those, but it took me the next hour to find that pin which was in our 'Memories' box, high up in the cupboard. It took me another hour to get the box down from the cupboard and you have to remember, I have to do it in a way that won't 'brain' me when I pull the box down! Eventually, I did manage to slide the box forward enough to get it over the edge of the shelf in the cupboard and catch it in my one good hand! Yaaaayyyyyy!


When I got the box open, I then started to look at all the lovely memories that the box held, and for a while, I forgot the blister on my hand, but not for long. I then went into the bathroom and was standing at the sink in front of the mirror (with the plug in the basin!!) and tried to 'pop' the blister while I held the safety pin in my mouth. I tried and tried, but it is so difficult to do something in reverse! By that I mean trying to do something that comes naturally but when you look at your self trying to do that thing in the mirror, you can't do it!!!


After a half and hour trying to 'pop' the blister, would you believe it - it popped!!!!! I was laughing like a loon and hopping, dancing around knowing that I had done something that no one told me do or helped me and I was soooo happy that I was laughing and not crying like I would have done not so long ago.

Dress-ups

After I came back to Sydney, I realise that I was over being a disc jockey and needed to do something else, but it had to be a creative role and I didn't know what I was looking for.


My youngest sister, Melissa, was working as a house model for Grace Bros. at Parramatta, one day I went to see her working and met her boss Lainie and thought, 'Hmmm - that's the kind of work that I would like to do', and would you believe it - a position came up at Grace Bros, Chatswood (which is my local neighbourhood store!)so, I applied for the position, which was advertised as a 'causal Fashion Co-ordinator' not really thinking that I would get the position (but really, really wanting it) but after going for 4 long interviews, I actually got the job!


I started at the Grace Bros Chatswood, as a casual, working only the days that the parades were on, but after a short while the job became much more than a 'job' and I loved it!


Someone once asked me 'what would be your favourite kind of job' and I said, 'playing dress-ups with real people', this was that kind of job! I really had to 'play dress-up's' with real people!!!


The job consisted of putting on fashion parades in the store and working in the particular area that the garments came from. Sometimes they were little parades about 'Big is Beautiful' or 'Moderate Price Dresses', or 'Lingerie', especially if it was Mother's Day or something like that. Of course, every Spring we had the fabulous High Fashion Range which we truly looked forward to! However and unfortunately, High Fashion looks good and keeps us in work, but that doesn't keep the fires burning for most of us, so, anything that the store thought would bring in the customers, that was what we tried our best to sell.


I was excited about shoes one time and thought that we should make the shoes the main point and not the clothes, so, I got the models to wear leotards and we decided that the models would just show shoes so, they did!! It was sensational! The girls were on a stage and the curtain cut them off at the knees and they danced and high kicked and went on like a chorus in a big show and they high kicked to New York, New York and it was brilliant and boy, the whole thing was so much fun! 


Another day, we were doing menswear in the store and I wanted the boys to be different, so, I had them dressed in long grey trench coats and made sure the music was appropriate for each segment. They started off with 'one day your'e gonna get caught, one day your'e gonna get caught with your pants down', that was another parade that was soooo much fun! We had a segment where the male models had to dance to 'Putting on the Ritz', and dance with the older ladies in the crowd! Grace Bros was pretty much a tight ship' to be working for, but they had a sense of humour and we made fabulous parades!!!


There were six part-time 'house' models who would be complemented by six professional models from the major model agencies in Sydney. We had Tina, Michelle, Kate, Rebecca, Janelle and Brooke. The 'House' models were gorgeous girls who were learning their trade by being part-timers while they learnt all the tricks of their trade from us their employers and the professional models and it was a fantastic way for the newer models to learn their trade. Some of the House models are still friends of mine today after almost thirty years, especially Janelle or Miss Johnny as we used to call her (Miss J is pictured starring in a parade) and Tina who I have known for over half of her life!


I wish that girls today, had something like our girls did at Grace Bros in the 80's and 90's. A way to feel like they are amongst the hype but have a 'den mother' to look out for them and keep them safe.

Count my Blessings

I have just come back from Royal Rehab where I finally got my cast off! I am so grateful to Lisa, because it is not always a fulfilling job, to be an OT. The 'clients' or as I will always call us, the 'patients' are a funny lot, not funny haha, but funny weird! Sometimes, I can't understand why the people who work at RRCS, actually work there. I look around and think it is such a difficult part of anyone's life, why would someone choose to work here? Especially working with the patients and how angry they are!! I couldn't understand why anyone could get anything good out of working at a rehabilitation hospital. But I am so glad that they do and you know what? I met a young man there today, someone I have been trying to meet for about 6 months and I feel thankful that the beautiful staff who work at Royal Rehabilitation Centre Sydney actually work there, because no one else would be so patient with us broken people!


Blessing, is from Zimbabwe and he came to Australia last year to visit two of his sisters and two days before he was to return to his homeland, he had a stroke - he is 30 years old. A young man in the prime of his life! I at least had had a full and wonderful life before, but this man is just a boy. Someone who could probably not live in his hometown since he is what we call 'disabled', and people like us find it very difficult to live in our society, here in Australia, imagine how much more difficult it will be to live in a male dominated country where if you can't work no-one want's to know you.


Blessing of course, was where I was not so very long ago (hating the world and everyone in it), and not trying to make the most of it. Angry that the world kept on turning while I was in so much pain! Well, I think Blessing has begun to realise that he is still alive and that he is NOT going to wake up and find that this is a nightmare. The poor young man has got to face facts, and let me tell you, it is a harrowing thought.


I told the girls of my stroke, where I was at the time, how long I was in hospital, how I couldn't walk, couldn't talk, couldn't even sit up, eat, swallow or go to the toilet. We became a little teary, I told the sisters of my long and thankless rehabilitation that my whole family lived, breathed and helped me through. I told them how I wanted to die for a long time, but I couldn't think of how to do it being so disabled for such a long while.


I told them that I imagined filling the bath and falling into it from my wheel chair, but I was so frail I couldn't put the plug into the bath; throwing myself of the roof of my apartment, but again, I couldn't get my wheel chair into the lift and out onto the roof; I tried saving my medication and taking the whole lot in one go, but swallowing was impossible for a long time and I just ended up with medication all down my front !! I screamed(in my mind) and raved and ranted at GOD for 'doing this to me', but eventually I, like Blessing, had to realise that I was going to live regardless and how I lived was up to me.


I met Blessing's sisters' through a lovely friend named Richard, who thought that I might be able to help them because I had had a stroke myself and knew exactly what he was going through. Anita and Debra were going through the pain of having someone close to them survive a stroke but knowing that he needed specialist rehabilitation, were feeling like they were banging their heads on a brick wall trying to deal with their brothers negativity and depression when he would not do come to Royal Rehab and do the exercises or the speech therapy or what ever it was that he needed to be doing but just lay around at home most of the time.


Anyway, Blessing had no desire to help himself for a long while, as he was in emotional turmoil, but with the patience of the staff quietly urging him along, he has slowly come to realise (as we all do!) that the only person to benefit or not from all that the rehabilitation on offer - is YOU. I was at Rehab (it seems that I spend half of my life there!) last Wednesday and when I went into the outpatients reception room, and Lisa (my beautiful OT) said to me, "Oh Wendy, you wanted to meet Blessing didn't you, well here he is", and I was so surprised to meet him after 6 months of planning all I could do was hug him and smile like a cheshire cat!!! We are going to meet in the city with his sister's, and Richard and take it from there.


I was watching a program on TV and the story about Simon S was on, he has been diagnosed as having Motor Neurone Disease (MND), a disease that robs you of everything except your mind and then when you can't breathe anymore, hopefully, you die! It was so sad, that I can't understand how these people can go on with their lives, but they DO. Sometimes I get so angry at GOD and can't understand how people like Blessings sisters' still have so much faith.


Sometimes, you just have to shake your head in disbelief at how horrible fate can be, but as a Aunty of mine wrote to me, "life doesn't always take us where we want to go, but the path we walk is the path that we are meant to be on..whether good or bad...love, live and learn", and just hope that it all turns out in the end.

Working Girl.

After I came back from Maria's home in Newcastle, I still had a lot of rehabilitation to keep me occupied and I was still very frail, so, when I was taken to my fantastic place of work for a visit for the first time since I had the stroke - of course, I was crying! I went to have a 'barbeque' with my workmates and it is a testament to how 'normal' all these people were, they didn't show how affected they were, especially my immediate boss, Kylie. She set the standard for everyone at Screenrights and they just carried on regardless and welcomed me back. I am blessed by having her as my mentor before the stroke and as my friend after the fact.

It was 15 months before I was strong enough to attempt going back to work for just a half a day at a time. Leaning on my walking stick and taking small slow steps I was so excited that I had a place of work to go to! I am sure that no one who hasn't been where I have been, can imagine, just how important a regular place of employment actually is! Just getting up in the morning, with an aim in mind is fantastic, but to get ready and 'go to work' is beyond anything I have ever imagined. This has been the most wonderful gift that anyone could have given me. Kylie and the rest of the staff, have no idea how important having somewhere to feel like I belonged, that I was still a valuable member of society has made my recovery so much easier and made me what to get better, quicker.

Just the logistics of getting me back to work were like a military operation and my work place had to undergo an rigorous OH&S person making sure that my desk, chair and foot stool etc were in the correct place, where I got out of the car and into the building and the OT ensured that everything went smoothly. I was picked up from my unit block in the morning and driven to work where I would do a small job for a couple of hours and then driven home again where I would have a sleep for another hour or so. This went on for about 4 months and then I progressed to a whole day!!

After three years back at work, my routine has worked out really well for me. Now I am happy to say, that I work two whole days and that is about all that I can handle, with my rehabilitation taking up two of the other days. I go to a stroke meeting once a fortnight with my friends Barry and Michael and others from the Stroke Group and I go swimming or walking for a good couple of hours another day, other than that, I have wonderful friends who make sure that my life is full, I am happy just to sit back, relax and enjoy my life.

It is really strange to say that I am grateful for the way the stroke happened, because if it had happened differently, who knows what could have gone wrong and what could have happened to innocent people who crossed my path.

On the day 17th of March 2007 I had the stroke in the gym, I was about to get in my car and drive my (at the time) 16 year old daughter Erin to her part-time job at the movie house in Chatswood. Thank heavens that my stroke happened before I got into the car so I didn't crash into an innocent person while I was driving along the road, I didn't run over any pedestrians or bump into anything at all. Imagine how terrible it would have been that along with my stroke I had killed or maimed someone else!!!

On the 18th of March 2007, it would have been the 75th anniversary of the opening of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and the girls and I were lucky enough to get tickets in a ballot to walk across the bridge. The whole bridge was closed to traffic and hundreds maybe thousands of people were walking both ways across the length of the bridge it in high spirits having a great time and there would have been no way that an ambulance would have been able to reach me time in that melee of people and I would most probably have died then there or at least been much more incapacitated than I was.

Finally, as I have said, the girls and I were booked to fly to New York in less than two weeks for a months holiday, I most probably would have died in international air space and my children would have been left alone in a strange country with a dead mother!

As it is, to mark the five year anniversary of having the stroke and how far I have come since then, I am hoping to fly to New York in April 2012.

Pooling my resources

Today, I am going to try to explain what the stroke has done to me in the way of a Brain Injury.


When I was still at Royal Rehabilitation Centre Sydney for the first time, the physiotherapist wanted to get me into the hydrotherapy pool and me not being able to speak thought that this was a good idea, until they got me into the hoist and lowered me into the water, I was sort of mewling and crying because the water felt like needles piercing my skin. I tried to move away from the hoist and me being paralysed all down my right side and being held into the hoist by straps, it was like torture for me. Fortunately, the physio was watching my face and realised that something wasn't right and got me out straight away. That was the first time that my poor messed up brain, got it all wrong.


That happened many times at the hydrotherapy pool until the physio said to me "Wendy, it is water remember, we came here yesterday, it's not hot, just body temperature and it is feels nice and is very good for you", I looked at him and something seemed to shift in my memory and I had a vague sense of water in a pool with me in it before and I nodded my head. We tried it again and even though it still 'hurt' every time, I realised that the nice man who was holding me still in the water, wouldn't do it if it was really hurtful to me, so, we had many times in the hydro pool and the hurt got less over time.


I still go to the local pool to walk up and down in the water (I can't swim anymore as my right side doesn't respond - just imagine how funny it would be to see me going round and round in the same spot and I would have probably drowned if not for the aqua belt that I use to use at the pool) and I still have to spend about 5 minutes 'talking' to myself so that I can actually step into the pool as a part of my exercises and I don't even use the aqua belt anymore so I am able to concentrate on the walking. It is so relaxing not to feel my body in the water and I agree with the physio who was so kind and made me realise that even though the water 'hurt' me at the time, it slowly got better.


One day at my sister Maria's pool in the early days of having the stroke and my sister's saw my right leg 'acting up', when I tried to sit on the steps of the pool and have my legs in the water - my leg stuck straight up in the air and we laughed so much because there was no reason for it to do that, but it stayed stuck up in the air until Maria got a noodle and wrapped it around my leg to keep it down in the water!


I was a good swimmer and quite liked going to the pool and loved going to the beach - now, I can't really go to the beach at all, because I can't walk on the sand! I know that sounds strange, but it is true. If a surface is not completely stable my brain goes into over drive and I just end up standing in the same spot because even though I know that it is safe to walk on sand, my brain doesn't.  It 'sees' it as not being stable because it goes up and down and shifts under your feet which is something that is unique to a sandy beach! I can go to the beach but I have to stay on the side where the grass is because the grass doesn't move! I have the same problem when I get out of the car (someone else's car because I still can't drive) and try to stand on the uneven surface of the footpath next to the car. My toes curl up and my brain freezes. It is very annoying and this 'brain injury' is something else again.


Something else that still causes me discomfort, is answering the telephone. It is fine to answer it for my family and friends because they know me and make allowances but for other people, I can't understand what they say on the phone, especially with addresses and phone numbers or anything detailed, they may try to talk in a hurried manner and then, I am lost. I am aphasic, that is my brain has a hole in it just where the speech comes from (as I said in another page of the blog, speaking is one of the fundamentally 'human' traits that just get lost when you have a left side stroke), which is what I have and I just sort of glide over that bit and then piece it together as best I can and hope that most times, I get it right!

There are stories to tell...

I have been very busy with Rehab at Royal Rehabilitation Centre Sydney, where I have been assessed (and passed with flying colours!!) to use the SAEBO Flex! This is huge, because our Rehab Centre has had no-one to research the product and now, they do!


As you all probably know, the internet is a wonderful tool for anyone to find out about anything, but it is especially useful for disabled people for whom the trauma of going to the library or school or anywhere to learn about what new discoveries or inventions are available to them are immeasurable. I am one of those. I trawl through countless pages to learn whatever I can and one day, I just happened upon the SAEBO company and it sounded interesting, so, I down loaded the papers from the internet and took them along to the next appointment with the lovely Lisa - my OT and the wonderful Medical Director, Dr Brian Zeman.


Lisa (as if she hasn't enough to do!!), went home and looked up the SAEBO company and looked at the DVD's on-line and decided that the SAEBO Flex was a really good idea and so, she spoke to Dr Zeman and together they have made it possible for me to be 'assessed'. 


Lisa together with another gorgeous OT from Canada, named Julia (who has had the SAEBO training, but no-one to try it on!) had a list of measurements of what you must be able to do with your arm, elbow and shoulder, for the assessment, fortunately I was able to do all of them, then Julia had to work out which of the funny looking 'finger things' fit each of my fingers and then we ordered the device last Tuesday!


I am soooo, excited about this new technology for helping to 'train your brain', and this is what the SAEBO flex does. Once I have the device fitted to my right hand (the stroke affected arm), I should be able to pick up these balls with a sort of sticky surface and then place them in a container - as far as I know, I have to learn the how, why's, and the wherefores of picking up and putting down these balls - and you have to do it over and over and over again (the same as the exercises that I do now, but with a lot more finesse!) and huge differences have been been seen to be made, so, it is really up to me and how much work I put into the exercises. So, for me, the idea is to end up with a 'functional hand', that doesn't mean that I will have hand movements like a normal hand, but hopefully, I will end up being much more able to do things like. hold my toothbrush in my right hand, or hold my my fork, that sort of thing.


Unfortunately, I now have to have my tendon stretched which really hurts!! I have my affected arm in a cast which looks like I have broken my arm, except my hand is held at right angles to my arm as if I am saying 'stop'! It is a very awkward cast to say the least and as well as hurting, the cast can't get wet as it is a softish kind of cast not really hard at all, just heavy, so, showering is very hard and washing your hair, forget it until the cast comes off!  I will have this cast on for 5 days, until Monday afternoon when Lisa will be taking it off - yayyyy - so, sleeping isn't very comfortable either as when you turn over the cast doesn't come with you and wakes you up to turn over!

Many people who see me wearing this cast, say 'oh you poor thing, what has happened to you, you must have a bad break' (if only they knew), because of the way it has my hand sticking out from my body, but you know what, I wouldn't have it any other way. Since finding myself one of the 'broken people', I have learned humility and thankfulness and they don't realise what an amazing place Royal Rehabilitation Centre Sydney is or what human angels the staff are.

Disco Fever...

I didn't know what I wanted to do with 
my life when I finished school, but I did know somethings that I definitely did not want to become! I did not want to live in that small country town that I had grown up in, with a mind as small as the town it self! I did not want to work in a shop whether it was a clothes shop or not, I did not want to be a secretary, a teacher, a lawyer or even a doctor, what I did want to do, was to see this big beautiful world, and make my own mind up about it. I think that I did a pretty good job of that at least!


Many of the things that I had to do for a job, to keep body and soul together -  like waitressing, bar work and casual jobs like handing out flyers in shopping centres - had nothing to do with my passion for film and stage. It took me such a long time to figure out things about myself, one of them was that I wanted to be in the entertainment industry, preferably as an actress and that took me on a long and winding journey to who knows where.


I was quite nice looking, so I started off modelling while I was auditioning for parts as an actress and doing TV shows and stage plays, but the biggest thing to happen to me was that I got the role of Alice In Wonderland with Disney On Parade! What a wonderful time that was, how exciting, especially for a couple of young girls from Nelson Bay. One was the gorgeous young woman who was the major attraction at that time and our compere, Miss World, Belinda Green and the other was me! We met heaps of Aussie 'stars' like Jackie MacDonald, Don Lane, Ugly Dave Grey, Donnie Sutherland and so on and had an amazing time.


We toured around Australia playing to full houses and doing every TV show and interview that came our way, from the greyhound racing scene to shopping centre meet and greets, radio talk shows to playing a role on Celebrity Squares - what a way to become immersed in the whole crazy showbiz world that was Australia in the 70's. That show taught me something else about myself, that I could do or be anything I wanted and it showed me that the world was my oyster. I knew that I would never be the actress that I wanted to be, but hey, the only thing that was holding me back was ME.


After that show closed in Australia, I decided that something else would come along and it did, not playing anyone else as an actress, but playing a DJ and I was really good at it! I started in a couple of rooms that the deejay's from Double J played, called the Zoo in Darlinghurst and then on to a Walker Street, North Sydney, nightclub/restaurant that had burnt down before being done up and opening as 'Matches'! I worked there for a year or so and then moved to Melbourne working at a nightclub called Josephine's at Brighton which was THE place to be and the Dava at Mornington Peninsular again, they were fantastic places for a young woman to work because I was one of the first women working as a DJ in Melbourne.


By now, it was the 80's, the time of the Disco and I was in the right place at the right time again! I had an agent and was offered many places to work in, and eventually my agent chose for me to work at The Don Hotel in Darwin. I worked there for the first 6 months that it was open and I think I was extremely lucky to be the first female DJ in the Northern Territory.


It was completely renovated and opened as a casino well before the new Mindil Beach Casino was up and running. Again, that was a fantastic place for me to work and the other nightclub workers such as the bands and solo acts like singers and dancers, Darwin had never seen the likes of us, especially en-mass in the beautifully done out Don casino. That was another eye opener for a small town girl like me. The days were spent at the beach or in the hotel pool and the night were spent at the Disco or in the club, it was here that I first had a my Margarita and got the 'worm' in my drink!! The people of Darwin that I met as part of hotel/casino stayed in my mind ever since and it was something that I will treasure always.


Time had come for me to move on and I chose to come back to Sydney. As well as constantly working in the DJ world, I had other jobs while I was trying to work out what it was that I wanted to be. One of these jobs was as a 'brand-team hostess' for the cigarette company Rothman's. We worked at the Winfield Football, went to the Hobart Yacht Races, the Rothman's Horse Races, the Dunhill Polo and the Formula 1 car racing as well. Life was great and I had never had so much fun in my life nor had any thoughts that my life would in any way change, and for many years it didn't.


As for DJ-ing, I had jobs as diverse as 'War & Peace', a bikey hang out in Parramatta, the Taren Point hotel, a very swank, but bad place to be caught at, as some gangster types actually tried to kill the man I worked for and blew up his boat, with him on it!! The Betsy in North Sydney, Selina's in Coogee Bay, the Dee Why hotel as well as The St James Tavern, where I again had the best time and met one of my long time girl friends Christine. What a wonderful life we all had working, living and loving in the decade of the Disco!

Cry me a river...

I started being allowed to go 'home', to my ex-husband Peter's house for a night, then for the weekend, so, I thought it was just getting me used to being away from the Rehab centre, not that I would be sent to another nursing home! I cried when I realised that no one had been thinking of me 'going home', I was getting ready to be transferred and the first place that Peter took me to in my wheelchair, was the Roads and Transport Authority to get a mobility pass, which everyone needed to take me around to various doctors etc.


After about 6 months, I moved to Newcastle to stay with my sister Maria and her husband Milton. Peter and my two lovely girls drove me up to Newcastle but the closer we got the more I cried, because I didn't know how long it would be before I saw my little ones again. 


I was settled in to my new room at my sister's house and my girls and their father took their leave from me, I was heartbroken as well as broken this time. I found myself sitting outside looking in at them and not even being able to be apart of my daughter's year 11 formal. I was desperate to learn about their lives now, even though it didn't include me - I was inconsolable.


Maria tried to make my life and my room as inviting as she could, with lovely pink curtains and a gorgeous silk duvet cover and lots of pillows and photos of the girls and my friends from Sydney but the fact that my children were living without me and the fact that I would never be the same again, I realised that I was severely depressed and even though I knew that part of that was the fact that I had had a stroke, part of it was also finally realising that my life as I had known it was gone, finished and buried.


The next couple of months were taken up with rehabilitation at the Rankin Park centre in Newcastle at the John Hunter Hospital. Once again the fabulous people at this centre took it upon themselves to be the whipping boys of the broken people like me.


I started to take the hospital bus to Rankin Park most days when I had to be there, to let Milt and Maria get back to their lives as much as possible. The OT's, Physios, Speech Therapy, hydrotherapy sessions and counsellor's were of the same ilk as their counterparts at Royal Rehabilitation Centre Sydney and they helped me as much as I would let them.


I was mutinous and not very nice to be around because I was certain that I was 'different' and that all the other people were 'different to me' and 'I wasn't one of them', well, it took several months for me to realise that guess what??? I certainly was one of them! I didn't wake up in the morning, able to walk again, as if from a bad dream, I couldn't speak like I used to all you could hear or understand from me, was blah, blah, blah!!! And I wouldn't be driving home again after that bad dream, cause guess what again.....I CERTAINLY WAS ONE OF THEM!!!


One thing that really got to me, was the fact that food tasted dreadful! I longed for something anything that tasted good or tasted like it should, but when I had something ordered for me, without a doubt it was something totally different from what I remembered or still tasted wrong. Maria laughed a lot about me trying out food and after one bite I would usually turn my nose up at it, shake my head and say 'NO'.


My birthday was just around the corner and even though I couldn't have cared less about celebrating anything, two things happened to make me smile again, if only for a day! My wonderful friends came to visit me from Sydney and I had a fantastic time with my girlfriends, in particular Leanne, who had made me a 'Recovery Quilt', a beautiful patchwork quilt that she sewed especially for me and worked a square to say that she had made it with love.


The next day my children came up for the day and instead of crying with sorrow I was so happy that my life was worth living again that it made me cry with happiness.

Family...

I came back to Australia because my elder sister Maria, was getting married! This was to be an exciting time for her and all of the family wanted to celebrate everything with she and her fiance Milton.


The wedding was held in Nelson Bay, our hometown, and was a really big thing for all of us. Our three younger sisters were bridesmaids, carrying parasols, wearing lovely 70's frocks, and floppy hats! Because I didn't think I would be able to come back home for the wedding I wasn't in the wedding party (Maria, who as a TAA air hostess managed to get me a cheap flight home) so, I had a great time, because I got to watch all the goings on, in a fly on the wall sort of way! My sister Terina was a beautiful singer and she sang 'Ave Maria', in the service - what a singer and what a song!


After a great night of dancing and catching up with family and friends, we all got up early and went out to Williamtown airport (It was so different to how it is today!) to see the newlyweds off on their flight to the rest of the world and to the rest of their lives!!


Milton was a well respected musician and he had a band who played in most of the top Newcastle clubs and pubs as well as those of Nelson Bay and surrounding locales. Although he had been married before and had two lovely daughters, what I wanted to know was.....would he be a good husband to my beautiful sister??


Well, if a marriage was going to survive, I thought that my sister had a pretty good chance since she was a 'child bride' and he was an 'older' man! Being someone in a band, makes the people around you treat you differently and throws lots of girls in to the mix, so, the marriage was tried in lots of different ways, but like a good wine, ageing made it all worthwhile.


The first and only significant thing to go against them, was the stillborn or neonatal death of their baby Angela. As you can imagine, the fact that my sister's baby was stillborn was a huge thing, as they were so well known in the area where they lived, eventually it became common knowledge that their baby had died but before that could happen, people would say to her, "Oh, where is your baby?" or "what did you call the baby" or something along those lines, Maria had to explain over and over again, what had happened to her. Most times, my sister was the one trying to make them feel better!


Angela, was a full-term, still-birth and I was one of the people who didn't know what to say and stupidly said to Maria, "Never mind, it wasn't as if the baby was 6 months old or 3 years old, and you knew her, you can have another one". How can I have been so obtuse??? I didn't understand at all until about 12 years after Angela had died, and I had a baby myself, then I knew what heartbreak my lovely sister had gone through at such a young age. Angela had  Anencephaly - a congenital birth defect. The next baby was joyously awaited but disaster struck again when the child had the same defect as Angela and so was terminated.


After a length of time, Maria and Milton has a son Aaron! What a fabulous gift he was to a sister who had been so sad, now although they most certainly would never forget the death of their first child, the grief started to abate. Aaron was a gorgeous little boy and has grown into a lovely young man and is still making his parents proud by becoming a F18 Hornet pilot in the RAAF, and just recently he (and his beautiful wife Anna), has returned home to Newcastle after two years in the US working with the US Navy as a pilot.


Then, they added another miracle to their lives, with their daughter, Martine. What a lovely family they now had! I remember driving Aaron to Pre-school and him wearing a 1/2 Mile jogging suit! He was so cute! When Maria drove us to pick him up in the afternoon, he went to sleep in the car and when we tried to wake him up, he had turned into Mr Grumpy (from the Mr Men books that he loved), who came home with us!!


He and Martine, had a most wonderful life and did many fabulous and interesting things while growing up in Newcastle. Aaron played piano, guitar, cricket and soccer and Martine did netball, piano, guitar and ballet (boy have we got the photos to show! Martine is in so many beautiful costumes that Maria made for her daughter). Martine has completed a social work degree and now works at the JHH, but she still plays the guitar and her music is still a big part of her life. The kids loved travelling to different parts of the world with their parents and they all had a ball.


These wonderful people have been so much a part of my life and especially now since I had the stroke. I am happy to tell you all that my sister Maria and her husband Milt are still having the most wonderful marriage after 35 years!

Plastered!

Yesterday two different and unconnected pieces of news knocked my socks off! 


Firstly, Coorabel Adult Rehabilitation Service (a part of the Royal Rehabilitation Centre Sydney), which is where I was situated when I had my stroke, is wrapped up in wire and that red and white striped tape, to let people know that it's hazardous to roam around there. The whole team out at RRCS have been waiting for a couple of years in the hopes that the whole hospital would be re-built and now, they finally have the finance (after selling off  a certain amount of land that was left to the Board) to make that happen! 


It is a shock to us, who have called RRCS 'home' for a while, to know that the end is nigh, but this complex and the staff, are so fantastic that they HAVE to be able to build it into the world class Rehabilitation Hospital that they so richly deserve and we, the patients need to have a venue that will grow over time to become a state of the art facility.


Secondly, I said in my last post, that I was going to RRCS, to get my cast off - I did get it off but I was surprised to get another one back on! Serves me right for boasting about it!


The very talented and lovely Occupational Therapist, Lisa and a student named Michelle greeted me in the outpatients department and we went around to the plaster room and they started to remove the cast, while they did that, I was watching and was very excited to see that my long and index fingers started twitching! This was simply amazing for me, as those fingers had not moved since I had my stroke. They kept on moving and twitching, while we tried to see if they could be made to pick up and put down some balls, they did!! My whole hand and all of the fingers can move independently, for now.


Lisa and I agreed that the casting was going so well, that we really did need to do some more of it (although I am a woman and can't stand my grotty and disgusting hair, that I have not been able to wash for over a week and won't be able to until it's all over) and so Michelle who is a student OT and watched how Lisa wrapped and cast my arm the last time, was asked to cast it this time. She really did well, but when you are used to the best looking after you, a student is very funny to watch and my cast is huge and unwieldly! 


The wrapping is of a soft material that you wet before it goes on, but it 'goes off' very quickly and won't stick anymore and poor Michelle was struggling with the wrapping and trying to hurry but the more you hurry with this kind of material the more you make a mess, so, all in all we had a real laugh (I have had many people look at me very strangely with my humugous cast!) and I am going to get this cast off on Friday afternoon, so, fingers crossed that it has the same affect as the previous one.


I have become very adept at catching buses to North Ryde and to the RRCS, with me being fortunate enough to be able to catch the bus from my suburb to the city and from there, I just have to walk down a couple of streets to catch another bus, which I catch to a place called Putney, which is where Royal Rehab is located. In Putney, I walk across the main road and the RRCS is just a hop, step and a jump from the main street and the whole journey takes 1 & 1/2 to two hours there and the same for the return journey, which is nothing compared to the people who have to come from all over Australia.


The people of Putney are very kind, because they get a whole heap of people who come to them for coffee, cake, lollies and lunch etc and just want to talk about nothing in particular, as the reason that they are there in Putney, is because one of their loved ones is a patient of RRCS and they are going through a lot of emotional pain, they don't know if their loved one is going to be rehabilitated enough to go home and how they will be when they leave the RRCS.


They are also a special kind of person to be able to converse and not shudder or look away or show how they are really feeling, about how some of the 'broken people' look, as I have said, some of them are definitely not a pretty sight, but it is not our fault so why should we have to hide away? The poor folk who have been burnt or have some other catastrophic event happen to them, are the main people that need to 'normal people' to just accept them for what they are and stop looking at them sideways etc they have already had something terrible happen to them, and they need people to accept them for what they are, the last thing they need now, is for 'normal people' to turn away from them and hurt them some more!!!


Some of my friends are quite upset when people ask me what happened to my arm (always in a sling, except when I am at work or in my own home), and I say quite plainly that, 'I have had a stroke', but I don't mind people asking me because I think it is about time that we come out of our shells and stand and be counted!


I feel blessed, that I have come through the blackness and hopelessness of having had a stroke, I can't help it that I am different now, but I really feel that I am on the way to a different and more fulfilling journey, that also fills me with anticipation, because there is a whole world out there, just waiting for me! 

I'm rude!!

I used to think highly of my 'Intellect', so this is not something that I tell you lightly, in fact it is such a huge thing, that I don't think I will ever get over the trauma of living with a 'brain injury'. 


Sometimes, people are horrified with me for being this rude, but I can't help it! It is like telling a woman on the bus, that she was sitting in 'my' seat! How embarrassed my 'bus mate' was with me and she said that I should be more tolerant with people and keep my voice down, when I said 'but she is sitting in the red seat and she is not supposed to. They are only for disabled people and ladies with babies and old people' (they aren't just for disabled people, the man from Sydney Buses was so nice in answering my queries, and I will put an excerpt from his letter to me, **At this stage the idea of the red seats is for other customers to identify that these seats may be required for less mobile passengers but this is not compulsory and is not enforceable, however we hope that common courtesy would prevail** well, it doesn't!!, so, we just have to put up and shut up! (now I know how it is for my nephew, who has Asperger's)), and my bus mate had to explain to me that it wasn't a crime that the person was sitting in the red bus seats and she said that she was sure the person would move if there wasn't any where else to sit!!


Another example is a few weeks ago, I bumped into my dentist in the parking lot of the building where I work, and went up to him and opened my mouth wide and said, 'oh John, I have this chip where 'blahblahblah', and John, being the nice man that he is said, 'come to my office and I will see what can be done', but my friend who with me, looked most appalled and said, 'oh Wendy, you can't do things like that'. Like what??? It took me several minutes to understand that people did not act this way!!!! I have lost the 'Social Skills' that I used to take for granted, and it happens all the time, that is another of the 'brain injury' things that I have only just come to grips with, and not only me, but my family and friends as well.


Another thing is, that I have to be told upwards of 10 times to get anything to 'stick' in my brain. I will ask one of my daughters something and then a while later, I will ask the same question again and I couldn't understand why the girls (teenagers!) would get cross with me, then I would ask the question, again! The telephone is something that I used to use without thinking about, but now, I hesitate and only like talking to my good friends or family on the phone and I am quite good at texting, rather than talking, because I am not sure what the person said! 


Sometimes it is clear and simple, but if it has numbers or an address etc, I am lost! If someone is putting me on hold they might as well hang up because I won't remember what it was they had told me or what address or what number I had to press! So, as you can see there are a lot of people like me, the 'broken people', who just can't fathom or don't know what is going on around them, not because they don't listen or don't care, but because they just do not understand. 


So, those of you who read this blog will understand that it is not very well edited, because I have trouble spelling and leave out a lot of words now, things that would never have slipped through before, but, I can cope because so much of me has come back and every day in every way, things ARE getting better.

Baby Steps

Today I will try to get things in sequence so that you don't find my blog so tiresome!


Back where I had myself just learning to climb out of the wheelchair and stay standing for a second or two to where I am now bears no resemblance to where I have been. Learning that I had a brain injury seems so simple - but I had to wrap my head around the most simple things and tell myself that yes, 'I HAD A BRAIN INJURY'.


That is where I left myself, because it has had such a huge impact on my life and the lives of everyone that I knew or had anything to do with. I still have to tell myself over and over again, that I have had a brain injury.


I was saying that I was very slowly learning to walk again. A step at a time and that is what is was. They had this 'soft belt' around my middle and it had hand holding loops on it and I had one person on my left and another person on my right and they would walk forward and so would I, sort of! I would move a step to the left and then FAIL! A step to the left and then a FAIL, but not as much as the last time and on and on we would go, until eventually, I could sort of take a step and not fall on my face, so not FAIL!!!!


This went on for several weeks and I had to tell myself that I was an infant, and now I was learning all the things that I had known before (even though I knew that I could walk - why couldn't I??), like speaking, eating and thinking!! But the things that I had to learn were like baby steps.  I never realised how much a human being takes for granted, until now, like WALKING!!!


From learning to take a step to taking a couple of steps seems so easy.....but it isn't, I can tell you that! Apart from the two or three steps that I was taking each day, I also had to go to the gym again for more torture! Claire or Philip or Chiara (it was usually Chiara) would get me hopping, stumbling and crying (again!) while I was trying to walk around the little tiny witches hats or stepping over the tiny little bean bags or the little cut off pieces of swimming noodle and watching myself in the mirror (thinking who is that miserable, whinging, wretch!) - and still not really realising that it was myself. The mirror of course, is to let you see how far you have come, but for me, it was how much further do I have to go!! I was a nasty, horrid person and I blush now at how angry I was!


I was walking (in a kind of way) swinging my 'bad leg' forward and following through with my good leg (step and drag, a step and drag, it was going to be several years before I began to noticeably stop stepping and dragging my right foot. I still drag it or let it go when I am tired) and it became the norm.


I am pleased to say, that I actually cried less and less and became a little more positive in my outlook, mainly because I was starting to stop thinking of myself at last and began to think (little by little!) of the people around me, like Gemma. A beautiful teenaged girl, who was at the same private girls school that my daughters went to in Sydney. 


One day, she had a strange sensation in her hands and feet and by the afternoon was rushed to hospital with a nerve condition and was in a coma a few hours later! She remained in ICU for a couple of months and was then sent to RRCS to rehabilitate. What she went through doesn't bear thinking about, especially for her family and notably her mother Anne. Gemma went on to go back to school and was one of the 5 top students in the school exams and was one of the top 10% for the HSC!!! I truly admire both of these women and I want them to know that they were the people who I moulded myself on and I think of them often, with gratitude and love.


To all of the staff who work at the RRCS, I want to take the opportunity to tell you all how much you mean to me and everyone else. I am sure for every one of the patients that you have put back together, from being the 'broken people' to the 'slightly quirky, misaligned people', they want to tell you all that YOU are Champions.

New York, New York

Well, it is four years and 5 months since the day that changed my life and I want to tell you what made me realise that even though the things that happened to me, wouldn't, if I could choose how my life was going to go - things could have been so much worse and I never thought that I would say that either!

I was telling you that the girls and I were going to go to New York in two weeks time and we were all soooo excited. The girls had heard all my stories of what a fascinating city NY was and how I couldn't wait to show it to them! I had been lucky enough to spend a bit of time in NY but not for over 20 years.

We had saved for at least a year so that we would have some cash to spend, but I didn't want the trip to be wonderful and our everyday life to be boring, so, I was intent on trying to let the girls have a good everyday life as well. We did all sorts of weekend things like playing volleyball with friends, going to the Moonlight cinema Centennial Park or we were lucky enough to be in the draw for and to win some family tickets in the Cahill Express Way on New Years Eve. We were fortunate enough to win a couple of other things like that as well.

The day that I had the stroke was the 17th March 2007, I was intending to drive my eldest daughter to Hoyts, a local Cinema, where she had a part-time job, but of course I had the stroke early enough so that I wasn't driving her to work!!! Can you imagine if I was? I would most likely have hurt us very badly if I didn't actually kill us. What if I had hurt some other innocent bystanders or some other helpless drivers or passengers!! That would have been disastrous. That would have been the first major kerfuffle.

On the 18th of March 2007, the Sydney Harbour Bridge was 75 years old and because that was a big birthday, the bridge was to be closed for several hours to let people like myself and my daughters walk the length of the Bridge from Milsons Point to the Rocks and back if we so desired. Well, if you have ever been on the Bridge when they close it to traffic, you can imagine what it is like! There are 10,000 people who want to walk, run, skateboard, ride bicycles, scooters and rollerblade over the beautiful old lady - can you imagine what it would be like to summon an ambulance to find you in the melee? I don't like your chances! That would have been the second kerfuffle.

Lastly, as I have mentioned several time already, the girls and I were ready to take off for the US or A!! We were already counting down the days and with just a couple of weeks to go, we could hardly sleep with the excitement. Can you imagine what it would have been like? We would have taken off from Sydney International Airport on a Qantas jet bound for Hawaii! It doesn't bear thinking about if I had have had the stroke while we were air-bourne, then I most probably would have died or become 'locked in', which doesn't bear thinking about. The first thing that I think of, is my two gorgeous children flying with a dead mother or  a very sick and unconscious one at the very least. That would have been the third kerfuffle, so, I think I am pretty lucky all things considered!!

Even though I was so angry, afraid and mourning for what I had lost in the way of my previous life, I can't help but think that the 'higher power', chose the least bad of the scenarios to visit upon me.